My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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