Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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