I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
