he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
