Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
