is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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