She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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