come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
