im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
