Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Houston, we have a blender
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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