I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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