Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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