When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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