something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You are a genius and a whore.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
