I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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