Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
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In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
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dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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