I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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