I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
