I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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