You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
