fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
