Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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