if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
