I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
