That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
