I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
