i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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