I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
