The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
