Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
