Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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