All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Randomize
