when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
