shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
