Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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