Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
