I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
