my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
