everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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