well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
he just fucked me for my cheese..
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
