i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
