You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
