I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
