called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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