My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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