I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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