Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
