Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
