Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
