sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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