don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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