Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
