her vagine was all disorganized.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
