my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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