can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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