i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm sobbing to NWA
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
