I murdered the dance floor call the cops
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
